How to Be Accountable After Cheating

[ad_1]

Most of the correspondence that I get comes from spouses (usually wives) who are dealing with the infidelity of their husbands. Occasionally though, I will hear from the spouse who cheated. Recently, I had a husband contact me and ask for my help in making things right again with his wife. He'd cheated, was desperately sorry, and wanted to know how he could save his marriage and make his wife believe in him again.

He said in part: "My wife is absolutely furious with me. I'm afraid that my one time cheating is going to ruin my marriage. She says she wants me to be 'accountable' for my actions but I have no idea what she means by this. How do I be accountable? How can I fix this?"

In the following article, I'll offer some tips and guidelines on how to be accountable to your spouse when you're the one who cheated.

Accountability After Cheating: What Does This Really Mean And How Can You Achieve It?: When your spouse tells you that they want for you to be accountable for your cheating, your reaction might be that this is a very loaded and vague phrase which really doesn't tell you anything about what you're supposed to do or how you're supposed to act.

And, you'd have a valid point. Much of the time, the faithful spouse has a hard time putting into words what they want and need from you. They're reeling and they're worried about your perceptions of them so they will often hold their cards firmly to their chest in a sort of test to see if how you are going to be respond.

Generally speaking though, if they're asking for accountability, what they really mean is that they want for you to show some remorse and responsibility for your actions. They want to know that you understand that you and you alone made a huge mistake for which you take full responsibility. They want for you to take the initiative toward fixing things rather than waiting for them to take the lead.

Basically, they want for you to jump in take charge in making things right. They want for your actions to show them that you still love them enough and value the relationship enough to take immediate and swift action. This means immediately stopping your contact with the other person. It often means digging to find out why you cheated and then fixing any issues.

It can sometimes mean going to counseling or working very closely with your spouse to restore the trust and closeness in your relationship. (It doesn't mean pressuring your spouse to forgive you or to move on before they are ready to do so.) Your job right now is to show them that you are deeply sorry, that you are willing and able to rehabilitate the marriage and the situation, and that if they will allow you to do these things, they can look forward to a stronger and better marriage rather than just more of the same.

Sometimes, when your spouse is asking for you to be accountable, what they really mean is that they want reassurances. I can tell you that it's no fun feeling vulnerable or wondering if your spouse will or is cheating again. To that end, you will often help your cause a great deal if you go out of your way to include your spouse in your life and to show them that you have nothing whatsoever to hide and actually welcome them checking up on and in with you if it makes them feel more secure.

This may mean that, at least for a while, it might be in your best interest to offer up your cell phone records, your whereabouts, or access to your email. Your spouse may not even want these things, but it says a lot about you if you're an open book who is perfectly willing to provide your spouse with whatever proof they need that they can actually trust you. It's important to have some patience with them and understand that you're given them a very concrete reason to doubt or to mistrust you.

It will also usually help you if you're very liberal with the affection and reassurances. Your spouse is bound to wonder if you still find them attractive and desirable since you betrayed them. Even if they are resistant to this, it's important that you let them know how important their presence is to you. I understand that It may feel as if you're the one making all of the concessions or doing all the work, but typically, it's your job to provide your spouse with what they need, especially in the beginning, since it's your actions which made all of this necessary.

Quite honestly, often when your spouse is asking you to be accountable for your cheating, this is exactly what they mean. They want to know that you understand that fixing this and restoring their trust is your responsibility since you brought this whole thing into motion. They don't want for you to blame them, to minimize your actions, to wait for them to act, or to try to brush this under the rug. They want to know that they are so important to you that you're willing to hang in there and do the necessary work to fix this.

[ad_2]

Source by Katie Lersch